As JVL is pursued across the bridge and into the streets of Paris, fearful of losing his Cosette, I find my own shadows from time to time that threaten me in some way, and tell me more about myself than I want to hear.
The main threat looms that I will not live my life to the fullest in the way I am intended to live. What is it that stalks me so? I am haunted by vague thoughts even though the outward life seems successful and fulfilling.
- In part, it is that I know what missed opportunity I have let slip through my fingers. I have had good ideas about loving and relating and yet have found myself stifled to act because of my own inner habits of behavior. I have prepared for the moment, apart from the person, anticipating an opportunity with some meaningful idea to share or demonstration of love. But when the moment does arrive, enough fear also comes with it so that the lost opportunity no longer seems like such a great loss, and the status quo holds hypnotic comfort.
- For these choices to sleep and to be comforted are perhaps my main enemy. In hindsight I know the shortcuts that I take which sabotage my creative relational works. But they are on the front end deceptive in their subtlety.
“But the tigers come at night,” stealthily to tear my dreams apart. I must protect my dreams. I must maintain them with bold relational choices that expose me to judgment and scoffing.
I am haunted by the specter of lost opportunity in life. I must recognize and clearly define these choices between personal comfort and bold love. f I want to relinquish judgment and love well for the remainder of my days, it requires diligent discernment. What is my decision now? To stop writing and enter in to a Sunday morning conversation.